The Mesilas Yesharim (chapter 11) teaches us that when someone does something to us that is hurtful it is very difficult to not take revenge and it is certainly very difficult to not bear a grudge against the person who hurt us. However, he reminds us that there is a mitzvah in the Torah to not take revenge and to not even bear a grudge against someone who has hurt us.
He explains that there are many levels of taking revenge and bearing a grudge against someone who had hurt us. Even when we don’t do anything that is overtly hurtful to the person, the relationship is usually not the same after the person hurt us than it was before he hurt us. We usually don’t feel as close to the person as we used to and we treat them differently as well. We generally aren’t as nice to the person as we were beforehand and we often find ways to get back at them with our words and our actions, and even when we aren’t overtly hurtful to the person we are often hurtful to them in a passive aggressive manner.
Parshas Vayigash tells us about how Yosef addressed the brothers when he revealed to them that he was Yosef. Yosef’s manner of dealing with them is a paradigm for us to use as a both a standard for the proper way to interact with someone who has hurt us and it is a manual for us to use to teach us how to take the lead on repairing a relationship that has been suffering due to the pain that someone else has caused us.
The first thing that Yosef did before he informed his brothers that he was their brother who they had sold into slavery was to tell all of the Egyptians to leave the room so that the brothers would not be embarrassed when everyone finds out that they had kidnapped their own brother. The Medrash tells us that Yosef actually risked his life to avoid causing them to be embarrassed. The fact that he was alone with them could have given them a chance to kill him if they wanted to, however it was more important to Yosef to not embarrass them than it was to protect his own life! The Daas Zekeinim also says that Yosef specifically only mentioned the sale to the brothers who already knew about it. He was extremely careful to make sure that Binyamin didn’t find out about it!
In addition to that, Yosef recognized that the brothers were overwhelmed with the feelings of guilt and shame for the way that they had treated Yosef. They were also nervous about what Yosef was going to do to them. They realized that they were the ones who had tried to kill him and they ended up kidnapping him and selling him, and now he was the one with the power to hurt them and they were concerned that he would take advantage of his power and he would do whatever he could to hurt them as well.
Each of the different commentaries explain how Yosef went out of his way to help the brothers feel less nervous and less guilty and ashamed of their behavior. One of the examples can be seen from the Ohr Hachaim.
The Ohr Hachaim says that Yosef told them that he wasn’t upset at them, and in his eyes he felt the same love for them that he would have felt if they had never hurt him. In his eyes it’s as though it had never happened. He also had reassured them that he knows that they really do care about him and they feel terrible about all of the pain that he had suffered. This gave them the confidence that he was not angry at them and that he wasn’t going to try to hurt them. He also explained to them that he recognizes that the whole process of his being sold into slavery was specifically designed by Hashem for all of their benefits. As a result, he isn’t upset at them because he sees that it wasn’t a bad thing that he was sold, rather it was a good thing overall and it was specifically designed by Hashem!
Generally, when one party in a relationship hurts the other one it is common for the aggressor to take the lead to try to improve the relationship. The aggressor tries to explain that he really does care about the victim, he tries to explain what his reasons were (and to say that it wasn’t his fault so much) and he tries to commit to not making the same mistake again. Then, as the Mesilas Yesharim had explained, even after the aggressor tries to remove some of the complaints of the victim, the victim is usually only partially open to forgiving the offense and to improving the relationship
Yosef did the opposite. He was the one who was hurt, however he took the initiative to repair the relationship. He worked to create a positive environment for the relationship to improve by not embarrassing the brothers in front of Binyamin or the Egyptians. Then, he worked to alleviate their guilt and shame. What victim works to help the aggressor to feel less shame and guilt, usually the victim is happy when the aggressor feels guilty! Yosef was also the one who was spelling out that it wasn’t really their fault. Usually the victim is the one who is working to spell out that it really was their fault!
Yosef’s actions are the role model for how we should deal with being hurt. As the Mesilas Yesharim says that even when we are hurt, we have a mitzvah of loving the person as we love ourselves. Yosef certainly showed us how far that our responsibilities go in our relationship with others. To truly be a mentch in all situations!
From Yosef’s behavior we also see how to repair a relationship. Our goals should always be to be a mentch and to follow Yosef’s approach toward loving others like ourselves even when they hurt us. This includes taking the lead in being sensitive to the other person’s feelings and to communicate the positive reasons to believe in the positive aspects of the
relationship. When we take this approach it leads to our relationships being able to recover from whatever friction that had existed.
Hashem should give us a bracha to always be a mentch and to have happy and productive relationships.