The Torah (Vayikra 18,19) teaches us a fundamental principle of morality, that we are responsible to love others as we love ourselves and to treat others the way that we would want to be treated (as the gemara in Shabbos (31a) says.

Most of us who have a general commitment to basic moral decency recognize that Hashem gave us a responsibility to treat others with kindness and respect and to help others when they are in a time of need. We generally try to live our lives with these principles and we think that we are doing a pretty good job fulfilling the responsibility that Hashem gave us.

The responsibility to love others as we love ourselves and to treat others as we want to be treated should be seen as the blueprint and guide for all of our relationships; especially our family relationships. When we love and treat our family members in that manner, we are not only fulfilling our responsibilities, we are also using the formula that creates a loving and lasting relationship with our spouse, sibling, or child.

The Ramban on the pasuk of ואהבת לרעך כמוך explains that sometimes we care about others and we want there to be good in their lives but at the same time we don’t want their good to interfere with our personal interests. When helping others requires our time, effort, or money we are not as happy to help, and when we think that the other person’s success might interfere with our status we aren’t as happy to see him succeed. Often, when we think that the other person’s comfort, pleasure, or success will interfere with our comfort pleasure, or success we will disregard our interest in their benefit in order to prioritize our own.

In the course of any close relationship there are two people and each of them have their own needs and interests, and there will be many conflicts of needs and interests (either about the temperature preference, who cleans the dishes or the toys, or where to live). Realistically, each person generally wants to prioritize their own needs over the other person’s, and that often leads to an unproductive relationship. However, the Torah teaches us that both people are responsible to want each other to be happy and to want the other person to have his needs and interests addressed. When we approach the relationship in that manner, the relationship will be both proper and enjoyable.

There will be many situations where it may not be possible or appropriate for us to put our own needs or interests aside in order to prioritize those of the other person (our needs are important as well). However, when we truly care about the other person, we will be able to communicate that “I care about you and I would like to do what you want but unfortunately I won’t be able to this time”.

As we become a kinder and less selfish person throughout our lives there are fewer conflicts because we will be more focused on prioritizing the other person’s interests than our own and we will be happy to do that.

Certainly, when we are motivated to treat our spouses, siblings, children, or others in the manner that we would want to be treated, we will speak nicely to them and about them. Before we speak to our spouse or our child, we should think about how we would want to be spoken to. We should think about how we would feel if we were spoken to in that manner. That thought process will help us to identify when we are speaking inappropriately to them.

As parents, we often speak about our children, parents speak to each other about their children and parents speak to their friends about their children. Frequently, parents are not careful to not speak about their children in a critical manner. “He isn’t doing well in school”, “He never cleans up” etc. Similarly, family members often speak about others family members in a critical manner…”That brother of mine, that sister of mine, my mother in law..etc.”. It is important for us to always have the awareness about thinking about how we would feel if we were being spoken about in a negative manner. When we think about that and we “put ourselves in their shoes” and we empathize with their feelings, we will avoid hurting others with our words.

When we are careful to focus on treating others as we would want to be treated we become better people. We become more kind, considerate, and compassionate people. Our marriages and our relationship with our children and siblings also improve in a dramatic manner.