Many of the problems we face in our relationships are created by judgments that we made about the other person’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. Based on those judgments, we conclude that the other person did something against us inappropriately (for no good or understandable reason), and that causes us to be angry or upset at the other person.

When the Mishnah in Pirkei Avos (2:4) says, “Do not judge your friend until you have reached his place,” it seems to be telling us that it is extremely hard to really know and understand what is going on in someone else’s world. We are unlikely to actually “reach his place.” It is also telling us that when we do understand what is going on in another person’s world, we will often be less critical of them. As a result, it is likely that we will be able to have more compassion toward them and to have a better relationship with them. So, if we do have that understanding, then we can judge them, because it will be a compassionate and productive judgment.

Often, someone will do something that seems to indicate that they are a bad person, they do not like us, we have good reason to be angry with them, and the relationship does not seem to have any hope.

Therefore, it is important to realize that there is often more to the story than we are aware of and we should not judge the other person so quickly because there may be a good reason for their behavior. Even if we do not know what that reason is, it is likely that there is one. They may not be such a bad person, they may like us more than we thought, there may not be any real reason to be angry at them, and there may be a lot of hope for the relationship.

The fact that there is a lot about the other person that we do not know or understand can motivate us to learn about the other person so we can have a better understanding of what the other person’s experiences, struggles, and accomplishments have been. We can also gain a better understanding of why they have not been successful in some of their experiences in life. When we have new information about the other person, we will often end up being more understanding of them; more compassionate and empathetic toward them; and more respectful of them.

Overall, our relationships will certainly be improved when we do not prematurely jump to negative conclusions and judgments of others, especially when we learn more about the other people in our relationships and understand them better.

We can see many of these messages clearly from many of the interactions between Moshe Rabbeinu and the Jewish people when they were leaving Mitzrayim and when they were on their journey through the desert.

When the Jewish people left Mitzrayim and approached the Yam Suf, they found themselves trapped. The sea was in front of them, and the Mitzrim were behind them. When they realized they were in danger, they began to complain to Moshe Rabbeinu and to criticize him.

“And they said to Moshe, ‘Was it for want of graves in Mitzrayim that you brought us to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us, taking us out of Mitzrayim?’” (Shemos 14:11)

They were criticizing him for taking them out of Mitzrayim and putting them into a state of danger. However, the reality was that Moshe Rabbeinu had not been the one to decide to lead them out of Mitzrayim—he was merely following directions from Hashem. Moshe Rabbeinu was also leading the Jews out of Mitzrayim due to his love, care, and concern for them, as he demonstrated over and over by risking his life to save them from the Mitzrim.

Moshe Rabbeinu could easily have responded to the complaints against him by arguing that he did not do anything wrong. He could have shown them that they were being rude and ungrateful.

Instead, Moshe Rabbeinu told them, “Have no fear! Stand by and witness the deliverance that Hashem will work for you today; for the Mitzrim, whom you see today, you will never see again” (Shemos 14:13).

At first glance, Moshe Rabbeinu’s response seems strange. The Jews were complaining that Moshe Rabbeinu’s motivation to take them out of Mitzrayim was due to his selfish interests, and Moshe Rabbeinu responded, “Do not be afraid.” They did not say to him, “We are afraid,” they said, “We are angry!” Why did he respond to the fear?

It seems that even though they were saying, “We are angry,” Moshe Rabbeinu understood that at the core, the main issue was their fear. He knew that if he was able to alleviate some of their fear, then their anger would dissipate.

It is amazing to contrast the two possible responses that Moshe Rabbeinu could have given in this scenario and to recognize the benefits of the approach that he decided to take. Having seen the Jews complaining and criticizing him despite everything he had done for them, Moshe Rabbeinu could have berated them for being ungrateful, and he could have focused on defending his actions and his leadership decisions. This would not have helped them to be less scared, and it probably would have made them less likely to turn to Hashem with tefillah and bitachon. However, when Moshe Rabbeinu focused on helping them alleviate their fears and rely on Hashem and on giving them emotional support and the confidence that they would be safe, that led them to respond by davening to Hashem, having emunah in Hashem, and even risking their lives based on their bitachon in Hashem (as they walked straight into the sea, led by Nachshon ben Aminadav).

If we were in Moshe Rabbeinu’s situation, and we interpreted the Jewish people’s behavior as being ungrateful and antagonistic, we would have been tempted to respond to them with criticism or at least by focusing on defending ourselves from their attack. However, understanding that their main concern was really their fear would make it much easier to respond with compassion, reassurance, and encouragement, as Moshe Rabbeinu did.

This same type of situation can present itself in many different ways. Often, a situation itself can be interpreted in extremely different ways, and our determination of how to deal with it will depend on our interpretation. As we see from Moshe Rabbeinu and the Jewish people at the Yam Suf, being able to see a situation in a positive manner can be extremely beneficial.

Both aspects of a situation can be true: On the one hand, we may be motivated by noble and productive motives, and on the other hand, we may also be motivated by inappropriate and unhelpful motives. Or sometimes, our motives may be good, but the way we deal with them may not be productive.

One of the challenges we face in seeing the positive aspects of a situation is the fact that often, the more obvious way to see the situation is in the negative manner. For example, in the previous situation, the Jews were complaining that Moshe Rabbeinu had created a situation in which they were going to be killed. The only way Moshe Rabbeinu was able to see the situation more positively and understand what would improve it was by seeing past the obvious surface anger to the other aspects of the story.